no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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