I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
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I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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