dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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