okay pat passed out under dana's car
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
