so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
