the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
