took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
