Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
its liver damage thursday
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
