I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
