pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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