You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
