When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize