Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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