The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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