I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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