I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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