i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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