id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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