buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
