I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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