I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
