Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
