Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
