i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
