i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
