if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
