i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
