i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
