I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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