Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
