STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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