No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
