Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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