I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
