Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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