dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
