The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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