The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
