you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
