My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
