Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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