I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
