shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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