my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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