life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
