This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
