My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
