even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
someone owes me an orgasm
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
