If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
