Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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