I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
