Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Shame - the story of my life.
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