She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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