ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
