even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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