I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
