if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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