Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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