He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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